Randy Elwell, Pop-Tart Preacher Man

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In last night’s dream, I was in some kind of emergency services meeting when Randy Elwell got the Holy Ghost and started preaching like a southern Baptist hell-fire and brimstone revivalist. At one point, he grabbed a box of pop tarts and started using it as an example of evil because of all the nasty ingredients inside. Then something fell apart in his sermon, and it became all about the pop tarts and he wandered off. Then some family asked me if I knew why the three cell radios (imagine a CB looking device that used the cellular network) hadn’t been installed in the town’s emergency vehicles. I said that I wasn’t allowed to make a decision as to whether to deploy them or not, but I would be happy to install them once they got the approval. It turns out they never got installed because somebody couldn’t read the note that had the code to unlock the devices to turn them on, so they had just been sitting around.

Stir fried beef and veggies with three Chunky Chips Ahoy cookies for those who will ask.

Fired Over a Cheeseburger Photo

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In last night’s dream the manager for the Town of Saint George Maine asked me to get him a photo of a cheeseburger. I said I would. I started looking at royalty free stock images of burgers, but citizens came in and needed help, so I helped them first, thinking the photo of a cheeseburger could wait. He came back and said “Where’s my cheeseburger photo?” I said “I haven’t found a good one yet, and I had to wait on people, so I’m still looking.” He looked disgusted, took out his phone, and said to the phone “Get me a picture of a cheeseburger.” Immediately his phone started making all kinds of noises as cheeseburger alerts started going off. He said “If my staff of a phone can find me a cheeseburger photo this fast, how come you can’t?” And I said “Just because you found photos on the web doesn’t mean you can just use them. I was looking for a royalty free photo you could commercially use.” And he said “I don’t need it for anything professional, I just want to post it in a note.” And as I started to explain that I didn’t know that, and thought he wanted to use it on the web or in town materials, he leaned over to assistant manager Tara Elwell and started discussing my termination. Then I woke up.

You Know It’s January In Maine

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#10: You know it’s January in Maine when not one, but MULTIPLE friends tell you excitedly “We’ve gained 19 minutes of daylight!”

You know it’s January in Maine, #9. The furnace won’t start up. The car won’t start up. The generator won’t start up. The only thing that DID start up was your seasonal affective disorder.

You know it’s January in Maine #8: When the crink in your back is inversely proportional to the angle of your shovel handle.

You know it’s January in ME #7. Wind pants. Sweatshirt. Boots. Two pairs of socks. Hat. Mittens. Headlamp. Reflective vest. Reflective collar. You know it’s January in Maine when it takes longer to gear up for the dog walk than actually taking them out! And then, when you are ready, they don’t want to go outside!

You know it’s January in Maine #6: When you leave for work and it’s dark; you come from work and it’s dark. Sunshine is something you get to see on Saturday–if there’s not a blizzard that particular Saturday.

You know it’s January in Maine #5: when your crock-pot is permanently plugged in. There are times when you are running two crock-pots at the same time.

You know it’s January in Maine #4: When you spend your Saturday in a shack, on the ice, with no toilet, heat generated by something about the size of your thermos, all so you can maybe catch a fish that’s too small to eat anyway.

You know it’s January in Maine #3: When you notice the shower handle in the bathroom is turned all the way to the left, and still you can’t get warm.

You know it’s January in Maine #2: You have to wait in line at the gas station in Oxford. The line is made up entirely of snowmobiles.

Finally, you know it’s January in Maine #1: You can drive down Main Street in Camden, Rockland, Wiscasset, or Bar Harbor and not run over a single tourist!

Dreaming of Windows and Rats

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In the first dream I am inside a house. I am in a room, and there’s a window looking into another room, apparently a bedroom. As I look through the window I see my dad in the other room, and he’s getting dressed. On the other side of the window there is a shelf that I can see through the window, and on the shelf are tchotchkes, a wicker basket filled with some socks, some flowers, and other things. All the way at the end of this shelf there are three large rats. I tried to get my father‘s attention to tell him about the rats, but I’m unsuccessful. I go into the room, and as I do I look off to my left and the rats scatter. Then proceeded to a dresser, which I open, and there among my shirts and socks I find two or three pairs of sneakers in a drawer. I think to myself “I had completely forgotten I had bought some shoes and put them in a dresser drawer.” Then I woke up

Two nights after that I have a dream that I am helping rid the neighborhood of rats! I am sitting over on Gilbert and Evelyn Post’s lawn, looking across the street at my grandparents old property. We turn on some lights, looking to spot some rats over in their yard. I think we’re going to see lots and lots, but I only see one lone rat, who is on the roof of this wishing-well that my grandparents used to have. I go across the street, and I am one side of the wishing-well. The rat is on the roof of the wishing well, and I am waiting for him to show enough of his body that I can get a clear shot of him with my air gun. I can’t really see a lot of him, but I can see shows that he is wet and greasy, covered in weeds and pieces of yarn or string. Then I woke up

And last night’s dream I’m playing a jazz gig with Wayne Delano at the Jackson Memorial Library in Tenants Harbor. Though I know it’s in the Jackson Memorial Library, it’s not the library we know today. It’s not even the former Jackson Memorial Library. This is some large Victorian house or law office or something that has been converted to a library. There are lots of rooms that are all connected together, and my drum set is in one room, and Wayne is in another room, and I can see him through a window/pass through in the wall. Wayne begins to give a speech in which she says something like “This is our drummer Bill Batty. Bill is having a hard day today.“ And I said to him “In what way am I having a hard day Wayne?“ And he said “Doesn’t your back hurt or something? Didn’t you hurt yourself somehow?“ And I said to him “No, that was last week. I’m just feeling a little gloomy.” And then he said “Bill, I want you to do me a favor. I want you to come out here and discuss the difference between tainted love and grace.“ and I said to him “You want me to talk about tainted love and grace?“ And he said “I do.“ Because Wayne was a good friend, and because Wayne had a way of challenging me for my betterment, I decided I would do what he asked. So I got up from the drum set, and walked to a more centrally located room – – the room that Wayne happened to be in. And then I proceeded to give, essentially, a sermon on the difference between tainted love and grace. It included me using an illustration of the old schtick about the boy who has two dates to the prom, and I use that to demonstrate tainted love. Then I retold a lesson I learned at a youth group about the definition of the word “grace,” and I likened that lesson to the purity of God‘s love and grace, which I then related towards the purity that you might find in gold, or in a beautiful gemstone. About then a preteen boy raised his hand and asked if I might comment on my previous teaching about the three points of communism! I told him to see me later and I would clarify that for him. And then I woke up.

30 Days of Thanks, 2023 Edition

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My theme for thankfulness in 2023 was based on the following: “If you have any money saved, a hobby that requires some equipment or supplies, a variety of clothes in your closet, two cars (in any condition), and live in your own home, you are in the top 5% of the world’s wealthy.”*
I began to think about the things I take for granted every day. I thought about Frank, the missionary in Africa, as he works in the slums of Uganda. If the people there saw how this very modest man of means (I have been on government assistance before, and I’m not very far from it even now) lives, they would think I’m a rich man. What do I have that I don’t even think about that would cause them to stare wide-eyed? Here’s my list.

#30daysofthanks day 1. I’m thankful for leftover pizza which made a fine lunch.

#30daysofthanks day two. Although we’ve been flirting with it, today was the first walk below freezing: 26.6°. I’m thankful for a little box called a thermostat. When it’s cold outside, this little device turns my home heater on so I wake up at 4:30am to a toasty warm environment.

#30daysofthanks day three. This little device is an oven igniter. Whenever I want chicken  nuggets or bacon or biscuits or a cake this little device causes my oven to turn on. Sometimes they go bad, and I have to replace it. I can get one for $20 on Amazon, and in 15 to 30 minutes I can have it swapped out and have my oven up and running again without having to call a repair person. I am thankful for these parts and for what an oven allows my family to do.

#30daysofthanks day four. I’m thankful for basic thick white comfy socks.

#30daysofthanks day five. Olive Tree Bible software is a free app that runs on my old iPad. The have lots of free resources and the software is easy to use.

#30daysofthanks day six. I’m thankful for the Brita water pitcher at work. It makes the town water taste much better. I’m not sure who bought it (Amy?),  but I’m thankful it’s a available to me.

#30daysofthanks day seven. A week in. Have you noticed a theme? Today I’m thankful for the Instant Pot. This device is so handy for us. I sautéed some carrots and onions and celery in it, then set it to pressure cook a few minutes just to get the vegetable soft. Then I’m going to set it to slow cook, and when Susan and I finally get home from busy days today we will be enjoying some chicken and rice soup. Sauté, pressure cook, and slow cook off from one device! 

#30daysofthanks day eight. I’m thankful for voting day.

#30daysofthanks installment nine. I’m thankful for all manner of cheap paper products. I almost always have a tissue or a paper towel or a napkin in my pocket. Want to have a little snack but don’t have a plate handy? Need to blow your nose or wipe up something nasty from the ground? Bang your hand on something and you’ve got a little spot of blood? Maybe a loved one starts crying, or you need to discreetly get rid of a piece of gum. Cheap paper product to the rescue! 

#30daysofthanks day ten. For my eyeglasses. It started of as a simple project today. I had a snare drum that needed some adjusting, so I went downstairs to the basement studio. I thought I would like to have a little music, but when I turned on the hifi there was no sound. Three hours and a repair to a speaker crossover later I finally was able to put some music on the turntable and hear it. Without my eyeglasses, my almost 52 year old eyes wouldn’t be able to see the tiny screws and small wires that I needed to manipulate so that I could have music in the basement. 

#30daysofthanks installment 11. Yesterday I was thankful for all manner of cheap paper products. Today I put the last roll of toilet paper on the holder. What to do? Run to Walmart for the second time today! I’m thankful I’m only 15 or so minutes from toilet paper, Columbian coffee, sweet potato puffs, salad mix, and paper plates. I’m thankful for supermarkets and department stores.

#30daysofthanks day 12. Gas stations. On the way to my gig I noticed I needed gas. I had literally seven gas stations along the way which were willing to sell me fuel. The one I chose also offered coffee (to which I obliged myself to a cub of dark roast Columbian), pizza, chips, chocolate, breakfast sammiches, Tylenol, tube meats of all varieties, and beer. (I picked up none of the latter items.)

#30daysofthanks day 13. I was making a recipe this morning when I realized we didn’t have any apples. I sent a text to my neighbor cousin: “Are you awake? Are you home? If the answer to both of these is yes, do you have two apples I can borrow?“ I’m thankful for a neighbor close by with ample fruit stores.

#30daysofthanks day 14. For my sink. It’s not fancy, it’s not new, it doesn’t have “features,” but it gets the job done.

#30daysofthanks day 15. I’m thankful for plenty of clean shirts.

#30daysofthanks day 16. What do I have, close to double digits pairs of shoes? These “Hey Dude” knock offs were $20 or something, and boy howdy aren’t they just the comfiest! (Comfy white socks made the list earlier.)

#30daysofthanks day 17. I was walking this morning when I heard an unusual noise. It was the noise of a single leaf being blown across the road. And I could HEAR it. For those not aware, I had a growth on my eardrum removed a few years ago, and because of a couple surgeries, an eardrum rebuild, and a prosthetic “bone” in my ear, I don’t hear well on my left side. But I CAN still hear. And it’s all because of the medical system we have here in the US. And as messed up as it is, and as much as it gets poo-pooed, I’m thankful for access to that kind of medical care–the kind that lets some average citizen like me have a frickin’ tumor cut out of his ear and his hearing restored with a titanium prosthetic ear bone!

#30daysofthanks day 18. My weather station informs me how much clothing to wear on my winter walks. Is it 54° or 34°? Is it 20° with no wind, or does a 15mph wind make it FEEL like 20°? Depending on conditions I wear different clothes; my weather station helps me decide.

#30daysofthanks day 19. I’m thankful for freezers that allow me to buy food on sale today and enjoy it some time in the future. (Seems like it’s about time to enjoy that corned beef we bought on sale last March.)

#30daysofthanks day 20. I’m thankful for indoor toilets.

#30daysofthanks day 21, three weeks in. Years ago my wife and daughter bought me some flannel lined jeans. It was 19° this morning so I wore them today. They’re a little big on me but that extra room and the warm lining make them the comfiest pants in the world.

#30daysofthanks day 22. I took a paid day off today. Consider that. I did NOT go to wotk today, but my employer paid me anyway. I’m thankful for that and for my coworkers covering for me.

#30daysofthanks day 23. Today is Thanksgiving, and I’m going to reveal my theme now. I think it makes more sense to do it today than wait for the last day of November. 

“If you have any money saved, a hobby that requires some equipment or supplies, a variety of clothes in your closet, two cars (in any condition), and live in your own home, you are in the top 5% of the world’s wealthy.”*

We frequently say “I have so much to be thankful for, things I take for granted.” Using that, and knowing that I’m in the top 5% of the world, I began to think about those things that 95% of the world may not have. Clothing like thick white socks, plenty of clean shirts, comfy shoes. Not only do I have a house, but I have a thermostat that turns my heat on, clean water from a water filter, and an indoor toilet. I have ample food–abundant even, held in freezers, and leftovers that I get to eat for lunch. I have eyeglasses to help me see and a healthcare plan to help me hear. I have the right to vote. I have tissues, toilet paper, paper towels, and paper plates. These simple things, well, perhaps when compared to the rest of the world, they’re not so simple. May I be thankful for these simple things.

#30daysofthanks day 24. Today I’ve watched Youtube on my iPad, a movie on my Roku, listened to podcasts on my iPhone, and browsed the web on my laptop. I’m thankful all this entertainment is available to me, and that I have leisure time to enjoy it.

#30daysofthanks day 25: I’m thankful for a washing machine and dryer that keep my ample supply of clothing clean.

#30daysofthanks day 26th. I’m thankful for, um, I don’t know, five different kinds of leftover pie. (Chocolate, lemon, maple, raspberry, and pumpkin cheesecake.) And I’m happy to live very close to my mom who made them all.

#30daysofthanks day 27. For our electrical grid. We lost power at the town office this morning. It was out 15 minutes or so. I’m thankful our electricity is rarely unavailable.

#30daysofthanks day 28. I’m thankful for aluminum sheet pans. Nachos, chicken nuggies, tater tots, roasted turkey, drip tray for pies, a carrying tray—a sheet pan can do it all.

#30daysofthanks day 29. I’m thankful for my pillow. Thanks Eben!

#30daysofthanks day 30. “Parise God from whom all blessings flow! Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.”